Thursday, November 12, 2009


TIM: What's that humming sound?

ME: Me. I'm humming.

TIM: Oh! I thought it was an appliance gone awry.

ME: Thanks. I'm fine. Yourself?

TIM: What are you so relatively content about? That's when you typically hum.

ME: Relatively content? What happened to "happy"? A girl can't be "happy" anymore?

TIM: It's charming that you still refer to yourself as a "girl". And the answer to your question, as far as you personally, is "not so much". You, Deborah, are a "relative"-type of person. You continually weigh balances, ponder circumstances, look at various sides of the issues. So, what may be "happy" to one person is "relatively content" on you. So. Spill. What are you relatively content about.

ME: Fine. Look at my legs.

TIM: OH! They're covered in denim!

ME: Bingo. New pair of jeans, buddy. I broke down and bought them.

TIM: No no no Deborah. You couldn't have done this on your own. Someone helped you. Those jeans fit.

ME: Hey!

TIM: What I mean is, you've never been able to purchase a pair of jeans that actually fit your body. You don't exactly have jean-friendly curves. So...what's the rest of the story. And remember, if you're not forthcoming, I'll know it....

ME: Fine! I was shopping for leggings.

TIM: Oh Deborah. Haven't we had this conversation before. Puhleese. Edit edit edit.

ME: I need something warm to cover my legs when I go to Ohio. It's cold there.

TIM: You're whining. Continue.

ME: Anyway, the manager of the store...

TIM: A woman's store?

ME: Charlotte Russe.

TIM: Oh, thank goodness....I thought you went to Epidemic or something.

ME: Nice.

TIM: Go on.

ME: Anyway, the manager asked if she could get me some jeans. I explained my difficulty in sizing them to me and she accepted it as a challenge. She reminded me of my niece, Tiffany, so I had an immediate comfort level with her. She took me to the jeans section and explained all the different styles and things. She said, "just go to the dressing room and I'll bring some back". I agreed and this is what we came up with. You likey?

TIM: They're fine. Nothing can fix that gluteus minimus, but you've worked around it. Are they comfortable?

ME: Well, they're cut a little low so when I sit down they dip a little lower in the back than I would like. I think girls wear thongs with these things. And at the end of the day, sometimes I can slip them off without unbuttoning them.

TIM: Maybe because they're designed for young girls who haven't given birth yet and are waiting to be asked on their first date.

ME: Hey, I was just excited to find jeans that fit me. Hence, my humming but I think that's over for now.

TIM: *sigh* Fine. Next time bring a more critical eye to your purchase and wear a long, layering tee with these. Turn around. hmmmmm. Did you get a pair that you can dress up a bit? Maybe wear with some heels?

ME: Yes. Yes I did.

TIM: Okay. Use the accessory wall thoughtfully.

ME: Tim. I don't have an accessory wall.

TIM: You will. You'll be in Ohio. Don't get me started on your sister's and mother's eye for fashion. I can't wait!

ME: Which means I'll be hearing from you more in the near future?

TIM: Are you kidding. I wouldn't miss this trip for the world!

ME: Lucky me!

TIM: The drama alone is going to be the entertainment factor. The fashion and artistry is just the bonus! Pack those jeans, we'll take care of the rest of you when you get to the Midwest. Holla!

ME: Holla Tim.