TIM GUNN TALKS TANNING....

TIM: What is that?

ME: What?

TIM: That.

ME: What? What are you looking at?

TIM: Your skin.

ME: What about my skin?

TIM: The whole of it.

ME: Well yeesh!

TIM: Melanin.

ME: My tan? You're asking about my tan?

TIM: Exactly. Why do you have that?

ME: Tim. I live in Southern California. I have access to a relatively large body of water popularly known as the Pacific Ocean. Also, I can jump into virtually a gazillion pools. A gazillion is a lot. A whole lot. I'm in graduate school. I can count to a gazillion. I'll start right now if you wish. One. Two. Thre...

TIM: If you have a tan, that must mean you have a tan LINE. Oh dear Lord, please don't tell me you own a swimsuit.

ME: Wow. That would be a bad thing huh?

TIM: People would PRAY for "the big one" my dear...that earthquake all of you Californians are so fond of fearing.

ME: What would you suggest I swim in then?

TIM: Besides the load of debt you're accruing with your advancing degrees and age? I wouldn't presume to suggest anything.

ME: Swim nekkid?

TIM: -------------------

ME: Tim? SMELLING SALTS SOMEONE!!!!!!!

TIM GUNN "SPEAR HEADS" A CONVERSATION ON DIET...

ME: It has been said that "we are what we eat".

TIM: And your point?

ME: Well, I'm wondering if I'm making correct food choices.

TIM: It's difficult for me to pay attention to you when you have crumbs on your chin.

ME: Oh, sorry. I mean, look at you. You're impeccable. All the time. You look wonderful. You're trim, You're fit. Your skin is fabulous. You're the picture of health. Do you believe that we are what we eat?

TIM: I believe that the time to consider those things is perhaps before one grabs their fifth pop tart.

ME: Hmmmmm. Third pop tart?

TIM: Oh *chucking*, I see your point now, it's at the top of your head. That must come in quite handily when you're spearing-for-ding-dongs at the VFW on weekends. Well, carry on.

TIM GUNN TALKS ME THROUGH A STROKE...

TIM: Another long face? That's twice this week, you're bringing me down. What's wrong this time? Did you look for shoes or something?

ME: Gosh Tim, it's not always about fashion is it?

TIM: Yes. Yes it is.

ME: Oh. Well, I bought a little shirt today. It's from the Juniors' section. Am I overdoing it? You know, buying from that section when I'm my age?

TIM: Does it fit, or is it tight enough to make your neck swell?

ME: Oh, it fits, it's a large in Juniors, but it fits okay. I just feel, um, what's the word...

TIM: Needy?

ME: OH! Okay. Do you think that's the appropriate word?

TIM: Deborah, this is YOUR blog, the word "needy" is in your blog description. I didn't come up with it, you did. I merely looked heavenward while you were fumbling with words and I saw it there, over your head. It's right there, in red.

ME: Okay, maybe it feels good to purchase something in the Juniors' section at my age. Maybe it's an ego stroke of sorts.

TIM: Could be. You know, at your age, strokes happen, might as well let them involve your ego as opposed to say, your cerebellum. Carry on!

TIM GUNN AND I "MAKE UP"...

ME: I bought some new make-up. Would you like to look at it?

TIM: Hmmmmm....where did you get it?

ME: Walgreens.

TIM: Really? I'll look at it, but from a distance. Now turn it around.

ME: Tim. It's still in the package. It's not on me yet.

TIM: Oh, I know. I just don't want to get too close to it. Let me guess, they had a "buy one, get one half-off" sale. Am I right?

ME: Maybe.

TIM: Hmmmmmm......what is that?....eye shadow? Silver eye shadow? Are you going clubbing in the near future? Perhaps you became a vampire and neglected to tell anyone?

ME: It's not just silver, it comes with a cool charcoal accent that I thought would look pretty. And I don't go clubbing!

TIM: What about the vampire thing? You didn't deny it.

ME: I don't HAVE to deny any vampire thing. That's ridiculous. And since when do vampires wear silver eyeshadow?

TIM: Well, all vampires are compelled to dress that whole "after 5" look, so silver would have its place. The problem would be, they couldn't check it in the mirror...no reflection. What else did you purchase?

ME: Um, I bought some green/brown eye shadow and some lipstick! Cool, huh?

TIM: Golly, I should say! I know, let's meet in the bathroom during study hall and we'll swap blush also, bring your mascara too okay?

ME: Your glibness will be the end of you.

TIM: Dear, my glibness is the end of this conversation du jour.

TIM GUNN HELPS ME CLEAN OUT MY CLOSET...

ME: Well, are you going to help me go through my closet and decide what to keep and what to put in the garage sale?

TIM: You're thinking of keeping something?

ME: Tim, I have to wear something. I can't throw it all out. Besides, it's not all bad is it? Is it? Tim?

TIM: I'm sorry, were you speaking to me. I was looking at that tablecloth there.

ME: Tim, that's a skirt. It's in my closet, why would a tablecloth be in my closet?

TIM: Exactly. More importantly, why would it be around your waist?

ME: So, you'll help me?

TIM: Absolutely. I'll get the gasoline and matches.

TIM GUNN GETS TO THE ROOT OF THE MATTER...

TIM: Well, I've avoided this subject, but your hair. Talk to me.

ME: My hair? Okay. I'm letting the natural grow out so I can see exactly where the silver is. Is that a problem?

TIM: What do you mean "exactly" where the silver is? Does it move? Is it wiley? Does it play tricks on you, is it on your crown one day and at your bangs the next?

ME: Well, no, of course not. The silver doesn't move, I just want to know what part of my hair is actually silver. I should have phrased it differently.

TIM: Well *chuckling* rephrasing wouldn't have really helped. It still doesn't fix the problem does it?

ME: What problem? What are you talking about?

TIM: Roots. And I am NOT talking about the miniseries. We have a problem on our shoulders and by "we", I mean "you". You're going to have to make a decision here my dear and soon. Those roots are spreading like backstage gossip and it's ugly.

ME: My plan is to let the roots grow out just an inch or so more so I can get an accurate "read" on what my situation is and then get a nice weave with some gold and other warm tones. You know, not so brassy.

TIM: I see. Well, you're really running head on into a "make it work" situation. You know that right? How are you in hats?...OH!, Take that off immediately! My legs are weak. That was frightening. Were you dropped on your head as a child? Do you go to a support group or anything for that. You brave thing.

ME: Tim, the shape of my head is not that bad and my hair will be fine. It will grow out and one day, when I'm finally finished with school, I'll be able to pull it back in a ponytail and all will be well. Tim? Tim? Yeesh, somebody help me, he's passed out again!!!