TIM GUNN DOES AN IPOD INTERVENTION

TIM: Deborah, I'd like to speak with you about your newest obsession.

ME: Christian Bale?

TIM: *chuckling* No. That's harmless, he's as imaginary as I am in terms of interfering with your life.

ME: What other obsession are you referring to?

TIM: Your IPod.

ME: OH! My new bestest buddy ever?

TIM: *withering* Yes, exactly, your "bestest buddy ever". I'm afraid this is problematic.

ME: Really? It's just music...and an audio book...and a comic album...and my meditation CDs...and three movies...but, they're all Christian Bale's. It's like a 2 x 3 inch library that I can go in and shut the door and no one else comes in.

TIM: You're making my argument for me. You are spending a little too much time on that item. You've become a tad dependent, a bit needy. The other day you panicked when you thought your battery was running low and you swerved over three lanes of traffic onto a sidewalk to get into a Mac store just to ask for an "emergency battery squirt" to charge it long enough to get you home. That's not natural.

ME: Tim, neither is this conversation but that doesn't worry you much. And besides, those people crossing the street didn't get hurt. They were young, they could run fast. They saw me coming. And that lady with the baby carriage was just way too dramatic.

TIM: Oh, don't be fooled by my calm demeanor. I am plenty worried sister, PLENTY! It's just that there's only room for one disaster per dialogue and your IPod is winning. Perhaps it's time to rethink having more human interaction. Human beings aren't so bad, you gave birth to several and if you don't put your fingers too close to their mouths when they're hungry they seldom bite.

ME: You really aren't helping.

TIM: You really aren't trying.

ME: What? I can't hear you...you know...the volume is up on my IPod thingy....WHAT?

*back of Tim's head*

TIM GUNN GETS A LEG UP ON THE CONVERSATION....

ME: I'm into leggings.

TIM: And hello to you as well.

ME: I really love them. I don't have to be modest if I'm wearing a skirt. You know how I love to scrunch up my legs.

TIM: No. No, I don't know that at all.

ME: Well, you do now. I sit all scrunched up. I'm always scrunched up. I'm a little ball of a person.

TIM: Hmmmmm. So what else about leggings appeals to you besides your proclivity towards armchair gymnastics?

ME: Well, they are way comfy.

TIM: Comfort is in the eyes of the beholder my dear...

ME: So what does that mean? I don't look good in leggings? Is that what you're saying? You don't have a comfort level with how I look in them? Huh?

TIM: I'm just suggesting that next time you're all balled up and doing some kind of unnatural shape-shifting there in your chair, you may want to take a look at what's BEHIND you....that's all....

ME: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

TIM GUNN TALKS ME THRU A COLD-IMAGINE THAT..

TIM: What are you groaning about?

ME: Arrggghh. I have bilateral ear infections, a sinus infection, a sore throat and a throbbing headache.

TIM: Eww. Just speak up. I'll stay over here.

ME: I don't think it's catching.

TIM: You mean, "contagious" and let's just hedge our bets shall we? Speak up!

ME: Tim, you're imaginary, you can't get sick anyway. Aren't you being a bit over-the-top on the contagious thing?

TIM: Let's review the last few seconds. You're having a conversation with an imaginary style guru and you're telling me that I'm being paranoid? Did I hear you right?

ME: Oh, for crying out loud! Just hand me that decongestant please.

TIM: I can't. I'm imaginary.

ME: Tim, would you please be kind enough then to just sit with me as I get my own decongestant, make my own chicken soup, and watch reruns of Project Runway? Hmmmm? Would you do that please?

TIM: Well, you're being quite lovely even though you're feeling under the weather. Imagine that...