TIM GUNN GOES FOR ANOTHER RIDE, AT MY EXPENSE....

TIM: Is this the paper you're working on?

ME: Yes! I'm not quite finished, I have some polishing up to do around the opening paragraph and, of course, the summary.

TIM: Good, I'm glad you told me you're not finished. It's a bit boring. I'm afraid Nina and Michael would be a bit bored by it.

ME: What? Tim, Nina Garcia and Michael Cors aren't going to read this! This is a school assignment? Nina and Michael are judges on Project Runway, why would they read this paper?

TIM: I didn't say they were going to read it, I said they would be a bit bored by it.

ME: Why do you do that to me? Why do you take me to a place of hysteria, a brink of insanity, and then drop me off? Why do you take me there Tim?

TIM: Well, the ride is simply delightful, the scenery can be shockingly different each time, and I had a few minutes to kill. Carry on.

TIM GUNN'S VOICE SAID THERE ARE NO SYNTHETIC LEOPARDS...

TIM: You were out early this morning.

ME: I needed to pick up a couple of things. I needed tweezers and dish detergent.

TIM: No seriously, what did you need that early?

ME: Seriously, I needed tweezers and dish detergent.

TIM: ?

ME: What?

TIM: How are those two items even remotely connected and why would they drive you to leave your home looking like that?

ME: Like what?

TIM: Do you not own a mirror dear? You're wearing a leopard print synthetic material. There are NO synthetic leopards. And even if they did exist, they wouldn't come out before 5:00 pm. Haven't we had this conversation before?

ME: I, I, well, maybe. I shouldn't have worn this out this morning?

TIM: Deborah, you shouldn't have worn it to scour your toilet, okay? But, it's done. So, let's tweeze tweeze tweeze and get those dishes done. We shall never speak of this again.

ALONE...UTTERLY AND COMPLETELY ALONE....

TIM: Why the long face? It's not genetics, you're not horsey people.

ME: My assignment this first week of school was to electronically respond to two of my "classmates" with a probing question regarding their comments about their goal statements. As it turns out, and this may be a first, it appears that I'm the only person in the class. I emailed the professor about it. This is so freakin' pathetic, I can't stand myself.

TIM: Let me get this straight. You worked all day yesterday trying to connect through overloaded servers to even get into this class and now you find out you're the only student in the class? What's the problem? You LOVE being the center of attention. This class is custom-made for you! You woke up this morning and stepped into a steaming pile of Deborah luck.

ME: I did?

TIM: Oh yes dear. You can work this. You just plug right along and do the work and stand by it. Carry on. And on.

ME: Okay, that's a plan. Maybe that's how it's supposed to be, huh? Maybe I"m supposed to be the only creature the professor is focused on. Wow. Cool! This could work out way great...easier assignments, looser due dates....hmmmmmmm.

TIM: Don't push it.

FIRST DAY OF GRAD SCHOOL...

ME: The effing servers are down. It's the first day of school and the effing servers are down. Are they serious? I'm trying to do this on-line. The class is on-line. Really? Are they really doing this?

TIM: Deborah. Dear. I'm concerned. You're developing unattractive beads of sweat on your upper lip.

ME: What? So! My professor is going to think I'm not there! He'll think I've blown off the class! Worse, he'll never know I existed because I'M NOT THERE!

TIM: Oh, the professor who has perhaps dozens of other students in his class? Oh, do you think he'll be as consumed with you as you are with him? I just want you to ask yourself if he's developing unattractive beads of sweat on his upper lip because Deborah is having difficulty getting into his class? Do you think?

ME: Whatev. Fine.

TIM: There you go. Let the computer elves do their jobs and you can check back later. If it's happening to you, it's happening to others. Now off! And blot blot blot!