ME: Aha! There it is. Look!
TIM: Where?
ME: There. See it now?
TIM: Let ME hold the magnifying mirror. Try shining the flashlight from this angle.
ME: See it?
TIM: Ohhhhh...there it is.
ME: I know, right? It's huge! The San Andreas Fault could hide in there.
TIM: Deborah, it's a line. Yes. But unless you go without moisturizer and go full on sunbathing for six months, no one is going to see it unless you duct tape a magnifying glass to your face with a cardboard arrow pointing to it!
ME: So you're admitting I have another line.
TIM: I don't think I can take another birthday with you.
ME: I don't think I can take another birthday with me.
TIM: Look, you're over 50. You have to choose between your butt or your face-that's the reality of it my dear. You're thin, you chose your butt. Your butt won. Your face lost. *pause* I've never seen eyeballs shake like that.
ME: Are you serious? That's it! You're going to say something like that to me and think it's OVER? I don't do GLIB! I may SPEAK glib. But I don't PROCESS glib. Oh ho ho ho no Mr. Gunn...no no no no no...I did NOT choose my butt. This is not a butt. This is a battering ram for bones trying to escape through my gluteus minimus. Jennifer Lopez has a butt. Girls with some meat have a butt. What I have is a lower back which somehow immediately becomes my thighs. This, I did NOT choose. This is a lose/lose situation, sir. I have an aging face and NO butt. It hurts to sit on a hard chair because of the bony nature of my lack of butt and it hurts to look in a mirror.
TIM: Has your husband said anything to you about the lines on your face?
ME: Really Tim? Really? My husband hasn't seen me in natural light in 5 years. Have you ever wondered why I have so many candles in my house?
TIM: Well, there does seem to be a lot of wax on the walls, now that you mention it.
ME: We are the mole people Tim. MOLE PEOPLE!!! It's not that I look especially alluring in candle light! Heck! Charles Manson looks alluring in candle light! I light candles because he can't see the fine details of the lines on my face!!! IT'S A STRATEGY!
TIM: *backing up* Okaaaayyyyyyy
ME: Get back here. You'd better talk me down from this ledge I'm getting ready to metaphorically jump off of buddy. I CANNOT afford a face lift. This had better come from within buddy boy and that is YOUR job!
TIM: I see. So, you just had a birthday and now you're having aging issues, am I getting that right?
ME: Yea Tim. Yea, aging issues. Bingo. Lines on face. Loose skin. Achy joints. The whole nine yards.
TIM: And you want to be young again?
ME: Well, I don't think it's possible to be young again. I just don't want people to judge me based on my age or appearance.
TIM: Oh! Like you do to yourself when you hold a magnifying mirror to your own face?
ME: *gulp* Is that judging?
TIM: Well, let's see. I'll hold the magnifying mirror and the flashlight. You grab the box of haircolor, the anti-wrinkle cream and the tape measure, and we'll recreate what you do in here all the time and then you tell me what you see.
ME: I'm the one doing the judging?
TIM: Looks that way to me. What would happen if your stopped judging yourself?
ME: I'd save money? Time? Sanity?
TIM: Those last two are mine.
ME: I'm the one doing the judging...
TIM: Now you're repeating yourself, old people do that.
ME: Stop it Tim.
TIM: Go outside with your husband. Have a picnic.
ME: Don't push it.
1 comment:
Best Tim entry EVER!!
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