TIM GUNN TALKS ME THROUGH A BAD PAPER

TIM: You know, to some you would appear smug, but I know better.

ME: Word.

TIM: Oh! Street cred! Holla!

ME: Stop knowing me so well! Let me have a weird AND bad day.

TIM: I live for your weird, bad days.

ME: I have a 25 page paper due in 5 days and I'm creatively constipated.

TIM: So, you have an alliterative problem.

ME: Oh my word, I can't come up with anything. I wrote a proposal and not only did the topic get shot down, but I didnt' get the full number of points. I threw an academic tantrum, I complained, I beat my fists against the ivy-covered walls...

TIM: You mean the "virtual" ivy-covered walls, right? And the truth is, the proposal you submitted was the wrong one, right? You didn't follow through and edit for mistakes. It's the same as one of our designers sending down an outfit from a prior week's challenge. It was from an entirely different class from an entirely different quarter! What were you thinking?

ME: I KNOW!!! The names of the documents were virtually identical. The only difference was this "_"...that little under line mark. Puhleese!!! What the heck???

TIM: Deborah, you saved those documents yourself. That was YOUR doing, no one else's.

ME: Hey! Who's side are you on?

TIM: Seriously? Would we even be having this or any other conversation if I EVER agreed with you about anything? Our entire relationship is based on me giving you snarky, yet wise and pithy feedback about your pathetic existence, or attempt at one.

ME: I know...

TIM: Did you apologize to the professor?

ME: I practically groveled.

TIM: No really, did you say you were sorry?

ME: I'm serious. I not only asked for forgiveness, I admitted that it was my mistake and then I said that we were both wise and acted in our own best consciousness. I even said, "Go, us."

TIM: *chuckling and shaking head* Oh well then....as long as you patted yourself on the back while you said you were sorry, by all means, she should certainly rethink the entire thing and give you an "A"....PLUS even!

ME: Did I do that?

TIM: "Go, us?" No...you were very humble...I could see your vertebrae as you bent over in humility.

ME: I sense sarcasm.

TIM: Are YOU being sarcastic?

ME: What is this...some kind of weird rabbit hole of snarkiness?

TIM: Look, you apologized. Good. You saved your ego, not so good. When you make a mistake, own it. It doesn't make you a smaller person for admitting when you went wrong and then fixing it. You'll be more careful in the future. If the professor can sense that from you, then you'll be fine. If she has an ego problem, which she might, there's little to anything you can do about it and in the future, when you're teaching, you'll know to be more sensitive. Look for the good in any trial you face-it's always there. Now stop me before I swoon over myself.

ME: I've got it. Yeesh. I'll just plow forward. I guess that was a poor choice of words. Have you noticed the extra pounds I've put on?

TIM: Oh dear, that's another post entirely.

ME: Wait, don't go! Come back here and talk to me!!!

TIM: Another day dear....get rid of the cheesecake....

ME: I wasn't eating any....

TIM: I was addressing your thighs.

TIM TALKS TO ME ABOUT MY NEW JEWELRY

ME: "Crack smoking judges"....HAHAHAHAHAH

TIM: Are you finished? Had enough?

ME: Sorry, Tim. It's just not that often I get to have a laugh because of something YOU'VE said.

TIM: Well...I explained it and I don't exactly apologize for it and by the way, a smoking crack pipe would account for most of the clothes in your closet so let's not travel down that road, agreed?

ME: Whatever...it's still funny.

TIM: So! You're back from Ohio. Is sunny California as you left it?

ME: Let's see. My daughter is due to pop at any time with her 3rd child and my house smells like a kennel.

TIM: So everything is about as expected.

ME: Pretty much.

TIM: I noticed you came home with quite a bit of jewelry. And it's big. And colorful.

ME: I know, right! I can barely type with this stuff on my fingers and wrist. I love it!

TIM: Where do you plan on wearing it?

ME: EVERYWHERE!

TIM: Edit, Deborah

ME: I thought this type of jewelry went from casual to after 5:00. That was my thought process.

TIM: YOUR thought process? The same thought process that allowed you to give birth four times in five years? Put your wedding ring on your "shopping list", next to "mop and broccoli" when you went to Walmart? That thought process?

ME: Well, when you put it that way...

TIM: Use your accessory wall thoughtfully. And by thoughtfully, I mean rarely, and not all at the same time. Those are big pieces. Okay...the bracelets you can double up on. But some of those rings-take it easy.

ME: Nice to be back Tim.

TIM: Put the pipe down...and it's nice to be heard.

TIM GUNN TALKS ME THROUGH MY STUPID MASTERS...

ME: Hey! I'm on my way, you know.

TIM: It's me. You should just stop now.

ME: Well, I'm trying to generate enthusiasm. You know, I've completed the Master's portion and I'm officially in the doctoral program. IN IT TO WIN IT!!!!

TIM: Again. It's me. You should just stop now.

ME: Really. You're right. I don't even feel excited. It's just another day isn't it? No big deal. I don't know why I'm not more "up" about this. It's an accomplishment.

TIM: Deborah, you're never "up" about anything. It's just your nature. Why should it be different for this? When you're genuinely enthusiastic about something, it shows. If you don't feel enthusiasm, don't sweat it. Why are you even concerned?

ME: Well, I get congratulated and people ask me what my plans are and if I'm excited and I have no answers for them. I can't work yet...I have more schooling...It just seems like I'm more in the middle of my journey than at the end, or even at a mile stone.

TIM: So...what do you need me for?

ME: I don't know. Don't you have something pithy to add to the conversation? Maybe about how I should dress the part? Fake-it-till-I-make-it kind of thing?

TIM: Are you questioning the road you've chosen?

ME: ?

TIM: You semi-heard me. Are you? Are you wondering if you're taking the correct path? If you should stop now or continue with your current trajectory, or even change to a different track?

ME: Well, I'm always looking at other "things" and how I can use what I know in other applications. Does that count?

TIM: Do you have to find a job tomorrow?

ME: No. I have awhile.

TIM: What on your immediate agenda?

ME: Going to Ohio to see my mother, kids, the whole shebang.

TIM: Are they going to demand these kinds of answers from you regarding your future?

ME: Oh no. We're just going to hang, eat, and laugh.

TIM: Exactly. What don't you just take that brain of yours out of overdrive and relax for a few weeks. We can revisit all of this in the fall when school starts again. Stop "trying" to feel emotions that you're not feeling. That's called being "authentic". Not unlike that crazy color of nail polish I've been all over you about. And don't get me started on the synthetic leopard print in your closet. Repeat after me, "There are no synthetic leopards".

ME: See you in Ohio....

TIM GUNN TALKS ME THROUGH A RADICAL HAIR CUT.

TIM: Nice.

ME: You likey?

TIM: Well, it's certainly bold. It could get costumey, but I'm really not getting that vibe right now.

ME: Oh good! It was kind of spur of the moment?

TIM: Really, Deborah? You obsess over your hair continually. You're constantly dragging your fingers through it and cursing it. Do you ever really do anything "spur of the moment" to your hair?

ME: Well, apparently not.

TIM: It's a good cut. It's quite different. A little "Adam Lambert-ish", but in a good way. It works with the shape of your face. It redirects attention toward your eyes and away from your lower face.

ME: Wait. What's wrong with my lower face?

TIM: It's getting lower.

ME: Wow. How long have you been sitting on THAT one?

TIM: I'm a patient person.

ME: This really might be my best opportunity to let my silver and white grow in...you know, because it's so short.

TIM: Really! Because that worked so well for you before?

ME: I'll be in Ohio for most of the summer so my influences will be different. I'll be home. I can be myself. I can deconstruct and reconstruct!

TIM: Do you believe for one moment that your mother will sit by and watch while you age in front of her?

ME: Oh.

TIM: Buy your color there. It'll be cheaper.

ME: Got it.

TIM GUNN TALKS ME THROUGH THE 1ST ANNIVERSARY OF THE KIDS' DAD'S DEATH

TIM: I know, it's been an entire year.

ME: What gave it away?

TIM: All of your Facebook statuses and blog reports saying that "It's been a year". You'll never be accused of being subtle.

ME: That's a long time, but it seems like it just happened.

TIM: Well, a lot HAS happened, don't you think? *chin down, eyebrows up*

ME: Oh yea....one daughter miraculously survived a hideous car accident because an 18-year-old fool was texting...

TIM: That was awful, just awful. She looks amazing, by the way.

ME: I KNOW! Broken neck, broken ribs, dozens of staples in her head...and then to find out she was pregnant at the time of the accident...yeesh...

TIM: Exactly. And I mean, SHE LOOKS AMAZING, I'm still waiting for YOUR excuse.

ME: I am SO not going there with you right now...

TIM: Fine. The other kids had big challenges this year as well, am I right?

ME: Oh yea! Our youngest son lost his job on the day he was supposed to sign for his first house. THAT was crazy. Then he rebounds, gets a job, loses that, gets ANOTHER job, finds a killer deal on a house and moves his adorable little wife and twins into it. Through it all, they never lost their faith, continued to pay their tithes, go to church, the whole nine yards. They're troopers.

TIM: Yes. And his wife is a stunner. She never threw in the towel. Kept that great All-American look of hers up.

ME: Oh yea. That's just the kind of person she is. Pretty inside, pretty outside. And then our older son had all kinds of health challenges. True, he makes odd choices, but even HE seems to be on board with the whole moving forward thing. He is more deeply in love with his wife...

TIM: Well who WOULDN'T be?

ME: Oh, I know! They are perfection together. And he's no walk in the park.

TIM: Well, the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree.

ME: ?

TIM: And you have another daughter. She's doing well?

ME: Yes. She may have made the biggest strides of all. She's at a healthy weight. She's in charge of her thoughts and reactions. She's making beautiful progress in good-decision-making.

TIM: And how are you?

ME: I'm going to be fine. I didn't think I could parent this group alone, but I don't believe I am alone. I feel that their dad is an even better parent now and in fact, more present in their lives than he was before he died. Our parenting partnership is more improved. I know there have been far fewer arguments since he died.

TIM: Only because you got the last word....

ME: Well! That's what he gets for going first.

TIM: Well played.

TIM GUNN TALKS ME THROUGH HAIR COLOR

TIM: Oh! For crying out loud, why are you sitting in the dark?

ME: I'm too lazy to get up.

TIM: You're lazy, true. But you know you have to turn the light on eventually. Are you hiding? Oh no. Did you color your hair yourself? Deborah...

ME: I couldn't do the gray thing. I said I would go completely gray and white, but I didn't do it.

TIM: Okay. Would you like to talk about it?

ME: Tim, if you're showing up, then apparently I need to work on it, right?

TIM: Well said. Here *flips on light* let's have a look. *scrunches up face* That's not TOO bad.

ME: Oh my gosh. I said that when my kids baked their first cake. They were 2 and 3.

TIM: I think "pastry" would be a good description of your hair right now.

ME: Tim...

TIM: I'm thinking, white cake, white icing, with some white piping along the edges. It would be almost elegant if it wasn't on you. You know, a "signature style". Are you ready to pull that off?

ME: Don't make me smile.

TIM: I was serious about the pastry. And now I'm hungry.

ME: I had every intention of growing out my hair. It was kind of gun metal gray, with some groovy white streaks and some lighter gray.

TIM: Oh! I know! I saw it.

ME: Yea, I suppose you did.

TIM: So then, why did you back down? You were very determined.

ME: I was at my daughter's house and she really appeared to be having a difficult time with it. I mean, the poor thing is pregnant, she recently broke her neck and her back, she has these kids, you know....a lot of stress.

TIM: So, your daughter made you do it?

ME: Well, not when you put it like that.

TIM: How would you put it?

ME: I would say it like this, "My daughter made me do it."

TIM: Uh huh.

ME: Ummmm...yea.... That doesn't make a lot of sense does it? I mean, when I say it like that. It sounds weak and it sounds like I'm shifting accountability for my decision to someone else. Ick. Self-realization and truth give me a headache.

TIM: Wow. Keep this up and one day someone will blog about Deborah Katz's Voice. Wait. Probably not.

ME: Hey. I can be wise.

TIM: Maybe someday...when you're old and gray.

ME: Nice....

TIM: Let's bake a cake!

TIM LETS ME KNOW WHO IS "IN"

TIM: Hmmmmm. The suitcase is out. Where are you going?

ME: Ohio!

TIM: Again? When are you leaving?

ME: On Christmas afternoon.

TIM: My. Why so sentimental?

ME: I know, right? Smack dab in the middle of the day. I wonder if it will be crowded at the airport?

TIM: I wonder if you considered your husband's day in any of this?

ME: Tim, he said to buy the ticket because it was so inexpensive. I have to go to Ohio for my mom's 90th birthday. You know that.

TIM: Well. Use the accessory wall thoughtfully. And I don't mean yours, I mean your mothers'. You know how tastefully she accessorizes. Just listen to her when you dress for her party.

ME: You know, Tim, Mother isn't exactly hitting on all cylinders these days.

TIM: And?

ME: Do you still trust her to dress me? Or even accessorize me?

TIM: Let me put it this way, Deborah. Are you sitting down? Even in your fifth decade, with your education and demeanor, I would prefer you to be accessorized by your 90-year-old, slightly senile, fragile mother whose sense of fashion clearly out-ranks yours and, in fact, whose 90-year-old bones are even thicker and stronger than yours. She is clearly "in".

ME: *quietly* I can take her in a race.

TIM: Of course you can, Deborah. Of course.