TIM GUNN TALKS ME THROUGH HOMESICKNESS

ME: I see how it is.

TIM: Good. Then I suppose my work here is done.

ME: That is not what I meant by that statement.

TIM: So, saying that you understand something does NOT imply that you understand it?

ME: I was being sarcastic. I think you understand that more than anyone...Duh.

TIM: "Duh"? I know. I'll leave and when I come back, I'll speak with the grown-up Deborah. Okay?

ME: *breathes deeply* You're going to be in my hometown on April 2nd. I won't be there.

TIM: Deborah, I'm touring. I'm in thousands of peoples' hometowns. Virtually every day of every week during this touring business. What would you have me do?

ME: Well, if I had my druthers, I'd...

TIM: You'd learn correct grammar and be less selfish?

ME: I thought you knew me better?

TIM: A boy can dream, continue.

ME: If I had MY way, we would go there together and visit my mother and niece and sister and children and we would film it and I would take you into my sister's closet and see her jewelry and clothes and you could fix me.

TIM: Deborah, while I would adore seeing your sister's fabulous collection of art that she refers to as jewelry, as well as your mother's killer bling, "holla at cha, Wendy", I really can't "fix you". We all know that. If you, or anyone else, was actually "fixable", someone would be making zillions of dollars.

ME: I just want to be in my hometown with you.

TIM: You just want to be in your hometown.

ME: I just want to be in my home...are you hypnotizing me?

TIM: No, I like a challenge. You're just homesick and you saw me going to your town so I popped into your head for a visit and now you're just connecting us. That's all.

ME: Really? Am I that simple?

TIM: I wouldn't call you simple. I don't think it's politically correct anymore.

ME: Have fun in Columbus, Tim. Try to visit German Village, specifically Katz's Deli. Not that I'm prejudiced.

TIM: I'll mention your name.

ME: It won't help, we're not related.

TIM: I was kidding anyway.

ME: *rolling eyes*